Blues

I have started to paint, using acrylic paint on canvas. I absolutely love it! Not too sure my friends do though since they have to live with my masterpieces on their walls. I tell them they will be valuable once I get famous and rich!

This week I had to go back to my young and handsome pharmacist again to measure out my third set of support stockings. He and I are quite good at measuring stockings now and he is the closest I get to physical intimacy. Talk about being desperate, looking forward to get “physical” with your pharmacist!

I am still waiting for things to turn around for the better and for my new life, after rehab, to materialise itself in front of my eyes. However, things are not quite moving forward as fast as I would like it to. Especially when it comes to my health.

I just can't get my head around the fact that I am pushing fifty; personally, I feel fourteen going on fifteen. Sadly my body does not!
I have now developed some arthritis in my hips and possibly fingers. Working the keyboard is painful and so is it trying to walk after sitting down for a while. I crouch, like a cavewoman, until my joints softens up and starts to work properly. I make me feel really old and infirm. Not to mention, unsexy. My biggest worry is that this will make me unable to shag, being unable to spread my legs.
I thought ageing was only about getting a few grey hairs and wrinkles. Nobody told me it is so bloody painful!

This week an old boyfriend of mine turned fifty one, blimey, it feel surreal. To me he is still twenty eight or something, as he was when we were together. Not some old geezer without hair. However, I don't know whether he has or has not lost his hair though since I have not seen him in seventeen years or so. Since he is an American and I am a Londoner, we only communicate via emails and the odd phone call. His voice still sounds the same though...

I did my first chair in an AA meeting and it went well. So maybe, after all, I am slowly changing and moving forward. A year ago, I would not have been able to talk for fifteen minutes in front of a room full of strangers and still feel confident about whom I am. Today I like myself. That is an achievement in its self. I am doing okay.